Friday, December 18, 2009

i want u out of my life in 2010!!!!

Im still in my depress mode, but im happy for someone, she is jinyen, my 1st love, the girl that i had not forget till now...i had tried my ways to be a friend with her, althought after so many years, 6 years, we had not contact, i had added her back in msn months ago and the new facebook.....maybe unknown to her, i had been viewing her facebook quite often...i guessed she is going to get marry soon.....im very happy for her, really very happy for her...actually till now....our photo is still with me all along till now.

I know she may not see this, althought she never invite me to her wedding, i still wish her happy wedding on 19 dec 2009.

my 2009 is really a bad luck year, i thought it will be a nice one once im back in sg, im totally wrong!!! this year things happened can kill me!! the incident happened with fel and lead to a serious quarrel....even a friendship is not secure....but im happy that recently we got back as friends, really friends....and im surprised she told me her mum wanted me to be her god son last time....and i dun mind....cause her mum and me can click.

I thought after fel, i should have seen throught things, and i got myself enrolled in my casino course which later i knew a few friends like jason,darren,chunyap, angelina, cynthia.....we always had our saturday dinner together....

Then came this angeline that i knew on july 2009, fel was the one who occupied the 1st half of my 2009 and angeline happened to be the one on 2nd half of 2009.....the two sadness add together is enough to kill me...i really hate the way she act and lie.

I feel so sad about it....really make my heart so numb....why my care and concern is always taken for granted and not really appreacite by the girls i like....it is really ok.....i think i had some problems too....my heart is always not feel secure, i feel loneliness.....i went to have fun with friends at vietnam pub, ktv ....actiually im not happy at all....it just occupied some of my loneliness, but i must say something true, these vietnam,thai, china friends are really somehow more true than sg girls....sg girls are sometimes really fake! it really breaks my heart for saying these....but i have to accept, it is very true.I dun understand why sg girls like to go thai clubs so much....buy garlands for the thai singers...and always get themselves so drunk....i hate to see her so drunk everytime, i hate to see those love bites on her neck, i hate myself for missing her.

I feel very sad, why am i so stupid yet??? i got cheated 3 times by this person,l i still can forgive her and treat her so good again....i gave her a chance to hurt me everytime...i feel so pain! because of her and recent thai clubs so happening in sg let me really dislike thailand anymore....i used to be in love with thai culture since 1995 when james ruangsak was singing those touching ballets, im in love with thai history.....but now i hate it because of her.

I knew im nothing to the person, i had done alot of things for her....ok i like her...i dun really wanted something back, since august 2009, i had told her i hope she changed for her own good, stop chiong night life and acting like a bitch....im a fool that let her lead me on.....when she need $ to pay off loan sharks....i will lend her....cause i dun want her to be stress....but she had been lying to me alot of things which later i found out myself....which later she told me that she did not lend anything from me, just that im willingly to pass the $ to her....i have no IOU....it makes me feel very sad to hear these words....it is not the $ that hurts, is the words and trust from a person.

I hate myself for letting all these killing me.....im so tired....ana from thai,xiao qing from china,valen,sandra,andy,junwei,ivy,felicia knew all these stories about me recent....i did not blog here, cause im really sad....my heart is so tired....felicia even joked me and said im not fair, cause i treat angeline better than her....i scolded felicia, cause i told her i got cried cause of her and not for angeline....but i feel like ending my life when 2009 is coming to this sad end.

Thanks wanli for that last min introduction to subramania astrological, which later i knew that my life is going to be suay for 7.5 years since the age of 23, which is very true, my moon is weak, so i always feel not confidence, serangoon shifu and that lady that had read me in 2006 all said same thing, when im 30, my life will be successful.I hope so....all predicted the same, all told me under 30 cannot have love, or love other ppl, if not i will be the suffering....3 ppl said same thing...i cant dun believe.

2003 jinyen 1st love break my heart cause of 3rd party, 2004 carlin, we "together" for few hours till she break the news to me that she want to go back to her ex gf,which later we become good friends, 2005 amy, the pretty model gf who 1 leg step on 3 boats, 2006 was a break for me but i somehow fell for a fling name rain,2007 i was in arizona, peipei the east meet west feeling which make me heart break, 2008 it was julie, i admit im at fault in these, i had a affair with someone's wife, 2009 happened to be my friend, felicia which i dote so much on and then 2nd half was angeline which i had help her alot in terms of $, and hope she changed to be a better person, she disapppointed me many times and lie to me many times and yet i still forgive her and treat her good.

since 2003 to 2009, im numb!!! 7 years of unlucky love life....is it another 0.5 years to go? subramania's daughter told me my love had not appeared yet, she will appear in 2010 or 2011, i laughed and told her, i just hope.

Im seriously tired of all these years...even i fling, i treat all flings good....for example....just like that vietnam cais do thi hieu 2009 and sassy in 2006...

I wana revenge!!!! as i told myself!! i wana build a better life out of myself, i wana love myself more!!!i want a make over of my life, i wana prove to all these ppl im not lousy....i want my life to be successful after im 30....i want to have a happy own family, caring and understanding wife, with 4 kids, hopefully i can work hard and buy a condo or a house when im 36, stay with my parents.....happy family....my future kids will be my motivators...

That lady in 2006 told me something, she told me dun try to change someone in future, and the person if im not wrong is angeline, cause in this half year, i always hope she turn over a new leaf....she did not..yet disappointed me again and again...

Jerson Yeo MuYi Jerson wrote in his heart @ 4:21 AM

{Jerson Yeo,My Style}